you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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