You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
