I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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