Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
