He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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