Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
