R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
