i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
