three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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