They should really pass out barf bags in church
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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