I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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