omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
