dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
