I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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