There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize