woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
