I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
