Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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