I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
