i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
