Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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