You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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