You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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