just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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