Plan B is the new Plan A
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
