He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
