Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
