If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
