im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
