i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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