I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
