I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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