My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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