I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
