after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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