Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
