I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
