Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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