I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
