if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
