She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize