I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
