I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
