i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there's paper in my vomit.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
