Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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