I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
