ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
