She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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