I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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