Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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